Harness: Brandon Parker battling through the abyss to regain his life

The anxiety starts long before the starting gate folds its wings.

It begins when Brandon Parker sees his name on the entry sheet. It follows him as he pulls on his driving colors, slips on his driving gloves and snaps on his driving goggles. Before even grabbing hold of the lines, his heart races. Before swinging his legs over the shafts, his breathing slows. Before the horse takes a step, his face is beaded in sweat.

For many drivers, these are routine moments not given a second thought. For Parker, they are victories.

Every trip behind the gate represents another step back toward a life he feared he might lose.

At 27 years old, Parker is working to return to the sport that has defined him since childhood after years of battling depression, severe anxiety, and multiple suicide attempts. His story is one of survival, but more importantly, it is one of hope.

Harness racing was woven into Parker’s life long before he ever set foot on the track.

The son of legendary driver Billy Parker Jr., he grew up surrounded by horses, barns, racetracks, and a hefty namesake to carry. Some of his earliest memories are of accompanying his mother to the barn, enjoying watching the horses run and play.

“Growing up, I always liked going to the barn with my mom to see the horses,” Parker said. “It’s what my parents loved and it’s something I fell in love with, too.”

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His mother was a stay-at-home mom, but she wasn’t just his mother. She was his best friend. The two were inseparable.

When she died while Parker was still young, it shattered the foundation beneath him. What followed was years of anxiety, depression and darkness that Parker describes as the abyss.

“I’ve always called it the abyss,” he said.

The word is tattooed on his arm above scars that serve as a reminder of battles fought away from the racetrack.

“It’s been downhill since my mother died. I’ve had terrible anxiety and lots of depression with a few suicide attempts. I’ve been in very dark places,” said Parker.

His last suicide attempt was in 2019, resulting in hospitalization and a month-long stay in a psychiatric facility.

“The abyss comes from [American rapper and singer] Juice WRLD. It’s just a reminder to stay above that dark place,” said Parker.

From the outside, few people would have known. While he battled internally, his racing career appeared to take off. From 2017 through 2022, his numbers climbed steadily. Starts increased. Wins increased. Earnings increased.

In 2022, he was enjoying the most successful season of his career with 229 wins and over $1.3 million earned. Yet, the success visible in the program never told the whole story. Behind the statistics was a young man fighting a battle no one could see.

The place that served as a trigger for Parker’s anxiety was also the place that helps heal it. The racetrack felt like home and the horses felt like therapy.

“Whenever I go to the paddock and just watch my horses race and chat with people, it makes me feel great,” said Parker. “When I work with the horses, they are like my therapist. They listen; they don’t judge. I grease feet, do heels and it makes me feel great. Now driving a horse, I get off and I feel like I’m on top of a building with so much confidence, so much joy. I miss it very much.”

The path isn’t a linear one, though. While being at the track helps his anxiety subside, going from track to track causes a spike in his anxiety, too.

“It’s been like a rollercoaster. The highs are highs, but the lows are low. I struggle with getting from track to track. My anxiety is terrible on highways. A few times I had to get picked up from Tioga Downs because I just couldn’t make it home,” admitted Parker.

Nevertheless, the track is where Parker wants to be. Like many others, horses serve as an escape from reality and as the best form of therapy.

Parker’s greatest challenge now isn’t learning how to drive a horse, it’s growing his confidence. The feeling of anxiety before a race raises his body temperature and feels like it’s constricting his throat and chest to where he cannot breathe. This feeling has contributed to that significant decline in starts and has ultimately kept him out of the bike throughout much of the past year.

Parker reached a high of 1,586 starts in 2022 when he won a career-best 229 races. Those totals dipped to 962/108 the following year, then 123/10 in 2024 and 43/0 last year. He has yet to drive in 2026.

While the road back hasn’t been easy and Parker admits he still doesn’t know when his return to driving will come, he is taking things one step at a time. Recently, he sat behind a horse for the first time in months. Now, he is jogging regularly again. He’s studying race replays. He’s leaning on friends like Mark and Brett Beckwith for advice. Most importantly, he’s finding the right place for him to be and to move forward.

“My first day back jogging was like seeing that little light at the end of the tunnel,” Parker said. “It made me confident and hopeful.”

In a sport built on competition, Parker believes the greatest strength horsemen can show one another isn’t found in the winner’s circle. It’s in speaking up.

For years, he battled his demons in silence. Now, he is choosing something different.

“It’s okay to talk about it. You’ve got to get it off your chest. Please speak up. Don’t hold it in. It only gets worse. Everyone deals with something of some sort – anxiety, depression, anger,” said Parker. “I just want to say it’s okay. Choose to live. Stay positive. Keep moving forward. Turn the page after every race.”

For the first time in a long time, that light at the end of the tunnel no longer feels quite so far away for Parker. There is a way out of the abyss for him and a path to a better life and existence.

“If you just need a friend to talk to like another driver, speak up. We’re all in this amazing sport together. Let’s support each other,” concluded the newly hopeful Parker.