01/18/2002 1:00AM

Horoscopes of the horsepeople


ARCADIA, Calif. - One of the goofiest boondoggles in racing is the astrological analysis of a racehorse. Yes, they abound, and they pretend to deliver strong indications of horse performance based on horoscopic readings.

Unfortunately, they neglect to account for the fact that Thoroughbreds are not conceived in a random fashion, and their birthdates fall only within four or five months of the year. But that's nitpicking.

On the other hand, it should be fairly obvious by now that not much planning goes into the reproduction of humans - the Baldwin brothers come to mind - and because of that there are people who choose to believe in the power of the stars, especially when they are right on the money.

Since Sunday marks the beginning of the Aquarian period in the astrological calendar, perhaps it is time to check the horoscope page of Daily Racing Form, reproduced here for your convenience:

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18 - The power of the water sign will rise this week. Do something rash. You can't lose. And if you do, tell critics you were distracted by collapse of the TVG-Magna negotiations. Fellow Aquarians include Nick Zito, Michael Dickinson, and Bruce Headley.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20 - There is no explanation for the way you are, but you stubbornly persist, and you keep ordering that pastrami sandwich in the Santa Anita grandstand no matter what people say. Born under the fish: Madeleine Paulson, Kathy Walsh, Noble Threewitt.

Aries, March 21-April 19 - Your attempts to register as "lurker only" on Magna's new Xpressbet.com wagering site will be thwarted by FCC regulations. In desperation, you attend the races. Aries guys: Chris McCarron, Mark Hennig, Alex Solis.

Taurus, April 20-May 20 - Good news! Your application for the name of I Slew Osama for your 2-year-old colt by Seattle Sleet will be approved by The Jockey Club, who thought it sounded politically perfect. Taurus birthdays: Jose Santos, Bob Lewis.

Gemini, May 21-June 21 - Vibes for e-commerce are strong, so get that old stuff on eBay today, because you don't know what you have, or what it's worth. "SuperTrak" T-shirts, Shane Sellers CDs, future book tickets on Officer. You could be sitting on real money. Geminis include Howie Tesher, Niall O'Callaghan, Barry Schwartz.

Cancer, June 22-July 22 - Your anxiety over the Eclipse Award vote for older filly and mare will reach a desperate level when you wake screaming from a dream of Pico Perdomo's head on Julio Canani's body accepting the trophy for Spain. Born in Cancer: Ron McAnally, Bobby Frankel.

Leo, July 23-Aug. 22 - Why not plan for that winter holiday? But watch out! Remember when you booked for the wrong Jamaica. Leos: Bill Mott, Bill Shoemaker, Mel Stute.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22 - Charity begins at home, which is why you will begin to ask for a cover charge and two-drink minimum when friends come over each afternoon to watch "Santa Anita Today" with Kurt Hoover, Jon White and Carolyn Conley. Born Virgo: Jerry Bailey, Dinny Phipps, Frank Stronach.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 23 - You will scrape together the $15,000 it takes to buy an acre of the Paul Mellon estate in Virginia, then realize you are about $4 million short of the minimum parcel price. You will sulk. Born Libra: Pat Day, Diane Nelson, Tyler Baze.

Scorpio, Oct. 24-Nov. 21 - Since those born under the sign of the poisonous insect do not believe in astrology, it really won't do you any good to tell you what will happen this week. One suggestion, though. Soak all your mail. Born under the bad sign: Chris Clement, Julio Canani, Michael Tabor.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21 - You will survive and audit, enjoy a financial windfall, and suddenly start to care that the takeout on some bets at some tracks in some states means you need to wager $1.25 or more just to bet a dollar. Horrified, you begin to shop around. Wise Sagittarians include Jonathan Sheppard, Helen Alexander, Jay Robbins.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan-19 - Prepare to weather a bout of depression and self-doubt triggered by the Republican politician in New Hampshire who called gambling a "scummy, sleazy enterprise." And you thought it was merely heart-breaking and masochistic. Born to Capricorn: Laffit Pincay, Jenine Sahadi, Bob Baffert.